Demons
by WeatherRains
Summary: We all have demons, but sometimes people can't deal with theirs on their own. (NOT slash, and set around the time of series 3) WARNING: Contains self harm
1. Prologue

_Haha! Okay, now.. I don't know where this is going, where it has come from or anything like that. I was bored today in class and this was the product. I should warn some readers that this might be a little triggering, especially later on, so I apologise for that, but please don't read if you think you can't handle it. Anyway.. I shouldn't be writing this but who cares? My Merlin fanfic has sorta just.. ugh I don't know, but you don't care about that! See if you like it, this is only the prologue, so all will be revealed in time! Thank you_

_WARNING: this story has self harm and panic attacks. DO NOT READ if you think you'll get triggered or don't like that sort of thing. _

Connor's fortnight had been less than good. In fact, it had been terrible: he'd almost been sacked from his job at the ARC; Lester knew _everything_; Abby had been avoiding him (although, Connor admitted that it was his own fault after all); and he was pretty sure the rest of the team at the ARC thought he was crazy. Which he was.

To only top it all off, that day had been a more than eventful day for the team. An anomaly had opened up, and they'd had reports from policemen of something new, something no one had seen before. Of course, at first the team dismissed it as the anomaly itself - policemen had been told how to recognise anomalies, so could call the ARC team straight away to neutralise it, it seemed as though this was a less than trained officer who called them.

When the team got there, however, they found they were wrong. The anomaly was much bigger and brighter than any of them had seen, even Lester gasped when he saw the image of it sent to him by Sarah.

There was nothing anyone could do to close it - none of Connor's equipment would work to close it. Nevertheless, they found a way to lock it, so locked it until it finally faded away. Nothing had come through, they deducted, which was lucky as it was on a school's grounds.

Connor hadn't thought much of the weird anomaly until they were back at the ARC. Then, he supposed, he thought a little too much.

He sat at his computers, checking through any and all anomaly sightings, trying to match the size or brightness to a previous one, but didn't succeed in finding any. As if the last two weeks hadn't been enough, he thought.

But what did the new anomaly mean? Was it from some time period never seen before? What if it had let something through and the team just didn't notice? Was the strange type of anomaly a warning of some sort? Perhaps they were just going to grow and grow... The thoughts became too much for Connor, rushing through his head like trains, noisy and thundering. His heart beat in his ears and his vision became blurry. Crap, the black haired man said silently. Closing his eyes, he found the black was way too dark, so opened them again. He jumped from his chair, sending it crashing to the floor, the rush to his head was enough to make him stumble as he attempted to get towards the door.

No one could see him like this. Too many people already had.

Nearly to the door, someone stopped him and strong hands grasped his shoulders tightly. With a start, Connor realised it was Becker... or was it? His dark and frantic eyes couldn't focus on the face, which was seeming to be mouthing words at him. Or was it talking? Connor couldn't tell, he had gone numb from the touch maybe-Becker was giving him. Someone was touching him though, weren't they?

Nothing made sense in his mind anymore. Decisions were flipped and questions asked over and over, his head was about to explode.

Then James Lester was there. Safe. Connor realised he was shouting things, not to him, to others. The hands left his shoulders and Connor could see more clearly now, yes. Lester's face was hovering above his own saying apparently silent words and the younger man wondered when he had ended up collapsed on the floor against the wall.

Something Lester said got through, eventually. Wait. It wasn't Lester, it was the demon again. Oh how Connor had missed him! Had he missed him? Surely he must have done, right?

The demon laughed loud and long and dark; there was no other sound. Connor heard someone screaming and noticed with a jump that it was his own voice.


	2. Chapter 1

_WARNING there is self harm and a panic attack sorta thing in this chapter and I just want to warn everyone because it might be triggering to some. Anyway, hope you like it! and sorry its so dark and angsty and I'm being horrible to Connor oops. _

Lester was, in one word, confused. Connor had been living with him for the past week and, Lester found, it wasn't as bad as he thought it would be.

James Lester had the idea in his head that his excitable and messy colleague would completely and utterly trash his flat, despite all the warnings and reminders he'd given the younger man. However, Lester found that his new flatmate was almost completely the opposite.

When explaining said rules, Connor had laughed and promised he wouldn't be any trouble, yet Lester thought of it as a joke and huffed disapprovingly. So when it transpired that Connor wasn't actually that dirty (excluding the small area Lester had marked out for him to keep his mess in) and kept to his room a lot, Lester began worrying.

Telling himself it was silly, Lester worried anyway. Perhaps the young man he thought he knew, the almost childlike behaviour and absurd ideas, perhaps they were an act. The Connor he knew, or thought he knew, wouldn't do this; he wouldn't stay in his room all day, coming out only for food, work and to have the briefest of conversations with Lester or anyone who came around while sitting in his marked out area.

He'd also spoken to Abby about what to expect when Connor was living with him. She had said he'd be bouncing off the walls most of the time, especially when something exciting happens and had described him as a puppy.

In the end, Lester decided that he would try to talk to Connor, see if he could figure out what was wrong with him, if anything. So Lester did.

"Connor... could you come and talk to me for a moment in the living room?" Lester had asked once he knocked, standing outside Connor's bedroom and waiting for the door to open or at least get a response.

"Be out in a minute!" he said cheerily, but Lester didn't trust the seemingly false happiness in his voice. Lester wandered back to the sofa and sat down heavily, rubbing a hand over his face. The young man joined him in no time, a smile on his face like always, but only now did Lester realise he might just be a very good faker.

"You can sit here," Lester moved the reminder to not sit on the sofa so Connor could sit down. He hesitated, but once encouraged, took a seat next to his boss.

"What did you want to talk about?" The smile had vanished, seeing the older man's tired face. Lester was never very good at talking about feelings, considering he never usually had someone to talk to them about.

"I'm worried... about you. When we're around the others, at the ARC, you seem fine and your usual self. Then when we come back here... or I see you sitting alone at your desk, you've got this look. Mostly it says you don't want to be here," he chuckled, trying to lighten the tone, then coughed quietly, "but it also says something's not quite right. I just wanted to know if you are okay, because... I'm going to regret saying this, but I care about you."

The ghost of a smile haunted Connor's lips and for a moment, Lester thought he saw tears in those dark eyes.

"Um, yeah, I'm fine, really. I just... I don't know. It's nothing, there's nothing, I'm fine," Connor rambled, his breath quickening, Lester noticed.

"It's alright, Connor. You can tell me," he said, moving to place a hand on the younger's shoulder but he stood up suddenly before Lester's hand could reach him.

"No, there's nothing to tell, honest. I'll try to be more happy, sorry," he was pacing now, back and forth as Lester stared at him puzzled.

"That's not what I meant. I don't want you to lie to everyone around you, including me. So what's really going on? How long have you been... unhappy?"

Not looking at Lester, Connor put his hands to his head, holding it as though it would fall apart at any moment.

"I can't," he whispered, so soft Lester only saw his mouth move.

"Connor?" Lester questioned, standing now and even more confused than he had been before because something was dreadfully wrong with his flatmate. "Connor, look at me. Can you do that for me, Connor?"

Lester had heard about people getting so stressed they couldn't take it anymore, resulting in all kinds of things. Unfortunately, panic attacks weren't described in that much detail, or how to deal with them, but Lester knew the signs: fast breathing, anxiety... and there was always a trigger too. He realised then that he had been Connor's trigger, he had caused this attack. It was his job to calm Connor down then.

"Connor, it's fine, you don't have to tell me anything, honestly. Can you come and sit down for me?" Lester put his hand on Connor's back to steer him toward the sofa, but upon doing so had the reaction as though he'd just given Connor a powerful electric shock. Tears started streaming down his face and he cowered away slightly.

"I'm sorry, Connor, I'm sorry, you're alright. Do you want me to stay with you? Do you think it would be worse if I left?"

The dark haired man shook his head hurriedly, signalling no. The other man took a deep breath and stood a moment in thought.

"Okay. Okay, I'm going to go, but I won't go far. I'll be just outside the building if you need me. I'm sorry."

Connor nodded, not looking at his boss.

He would do the same routine as he always did after an attack like this, he knew he would because it had to go like this.

He would go into the bathroom attached to his bedroom in Lester's flat, after grabbing the small screwdriver from his bedside table and take out the pencil sharpener he always kept with him in his pocket. Taking out the blade was never fun, but Connor knew that he couldn't keep it loose, lest he lose it or accidentally cut himself with it. With shaking hands he would take the shining metal out and take it to his skin. Over and over.

Never enough to die, just enough to feel pain, enough to calm his shaking hands and erratic breath. All would be alright after he did that, he thought. Everything was going to be okay once he sliced into the skin on his hips and made himself believe that he deserved the pain for not keeping up the stupid act he'd put up for Abby. Lester wouldn't have to know a thing.


	3. Chapter 2

_Sorry this is so late! Exams and revision have taken up a lot of my time and I've still got exams coming up, but not for a few days now so I thought I'd get this chapter done. I don't think there's much triggering here, but there might be. Just as an FYI, I do NOT have diagnosed psychotic depression or anxiety, and I don't even think I have them at all, so what I'm saying is purely based on friends experiences of them and google. Sorry if it's not totally correct. _

Connor walked stiffly into the Anomaly Research Centre, the deep cuts on his hips troubling him some, but he had taught himself to fight through the pain and appear normal.

That was one of Connor's rules to live by: Appear normal. No matter how tired, upset, frustrated you were, you had to appear normal. Not for the sake of yourself, for the sake of others. He knew if his friends ever found out about his... habit, he knew they wouldn't understand.

No one understood, not his parents and not that stupid therapist they had once sent him to, never to return after he had screamed at her for not understanding. In his eyes, Connor knew he shouldn't have shouted at the fairly elderly woman trying to help him, he just couldn't explain his own actions and feelings and she was trying to put words in his mouth... Connor still debated whether she really was trying to help.

_No, _he thought,_ it wasn't her fault I yelled at her, it was mine. It's always my fault..._

Boring was the word to describe the first half of Connor's day at the ARC. He sat at his computers, tapping away at the keys, searching for the next anomaly. Unfortunately (some might say), there was nothing. No dinosaurs or future creatures, no anomalies, not even an unusual energy surge to investigate. Today was easy, almost too easy for Connor.

That's why he wasn't completely surprised when Lester called him in to his office.

Connor hadn't spoken to Lester since the day before. After he had calmed down, he had sent Lester a text to say he could come back in. However, that did not mean Lester was allowed in Connor's room, so Connor kept the door shut, and Lester - fearing he might provoke the other man - didn't force it.

But it had to come eventually, the young man knew, the talk always came. He'd had the talk with his parents, with teachers, and even with a friend long since gone by now.

As Connor stepped up towards Lester's office, he began to tremble, clenching and unclenching his fists nervously. Wait... There was no need to be afraid, right? Lester was his friend, a friend who might even understand. Connor had grown up since last trying to talk about how he was feeling, so perhaps now it would be easier, smoother even to let his thoughts fly.

With a stern and determined face, the black haired man stepped purposefully into the bright office, and he was ready for the questions he would obviously be asked...

"Ah, Connor. Thank you for coming, have there been any anomalies detected today?" Lester asked and Connor frowned - that was not a question he had been expecting, but he answered as he sat opposite his boss.

"No, there haven't, you'd know if there were." It was not unkind yet Lester sensed the younger man was waiting for something.

Lester jumped straight to it, asking in the only way he knew how: "What was your given diagnosis?"

"Psychotic depression and a generalised anxiety disorder," said Connor, flashing a small, sad and partly ashamed smile. He looked down at the shining linoleum flooring, hands clasped together in between his knees.

He had said it, those stupid words spelling out disorders the therapist and countless doctors had thought he had. Connor wasn't sure, though. Who were they to say what stupid mental illnesses he had? Or to think they knew how he felt?

"Psychotic depression?" Lester hadn't heard of it before evidently, Connor sighed, hating to explain because Lester would probably think him crazy.

"It's a disorder... Depression with psychotic traits. Depression is one thing, really... People who are depressed, well, they feel like," Connor paused, not knowing how to explain, "they feel sad a lot. Loss of... self esteem and interest in things. The psychotic part, for me, only comes in every few months or so. I get these times when I see or hear things or even feel things that aren't there, you know? Only every few months I completely break down... But I don't think I have psychotic depression though because I'm not crazy, Lester. I'm not."

Lester looked at Connor morosely and nodded, taking in all that had been said.

"Having a mental illness doesn't make you crazy. Having psychotic depression does not make you crazy, nor does having hallucinations or having anxiety. It's not a bad thing to admit to having them, Connor, because maybe it'll make it easier for people to help you." Connor opened his mouth to speak, but was cut off abruptly, "Ah, before you say anything, let me finish. You don't need to hide yourself from your friends, Connor, especially me. I can help you, or try to at least, if you'll let me. Just... think about it, alright? I won't think you're crazy, Connor, there's nothing wrong with having any kind of illness, mental or otherwise."

The young man before Lester grinned, but it quickly disappeared. Connor rubbed his hands over his face and realised he had begun shaking once more; he was determined not to freak out.

"Y-You really mean that?" Connor questioned, wide-eyed with that smile once again dancing on the sides of his lips. Lester stood up and walked around his desk to lean on the windowsill looking out to the rest of the ARC.

"I really mean it," he smiled encouragingly, "You can talk to me anytime."

"I-I've never had anyone there for me like that, no one's ever reacted like this. With family it was shouting and wondering why I wasn't good enough, with doctors it was completely formal and the therapist was the same..." Connor wasn't so much talking to Lester as he was talking to himself, but Lester listened anyway and thought why someone would shout at a boy for that... He hoped he'd find out soon enough, in reality, it wasn't any of his business.

Lester coughed lightly, reminding the young man he was still in the room and listening. Connor's dark and tear-filled eyes looked up suddenly into Lester's green ones.

"Thank you," Connor said quietly, thinking that maybe it wasn't such a bad thing that a friend knew now.


	4. Chapter 3

_I know! over a month since last update, so sorry, I've just not been feeling my best. But here it is! next chapter after this one should be a good one hopefully! This one's a bit... meh? Anyway, happy reading! (Or not so happy, given what's been happening to Connor in this story so far... oh well)_

A week or so had gone by since Connor and Lester's talk and everything was almost back to normal. There had only been one anomaly in the past few days and the team had managed to stabilise it quickly - ensuring no creatures had come through - and Connor's relationship with Lester had not changed one bit since the older man had found out about the mental illness.

Connor had nearly expected to be babied. Or worse still, he had been expecting to be watched constantly by a worried Lester every waking second. Thankfully, neither had happened. Lester seemed to be carrying on as normal, even though inside he was terrified of what the black haired man might do to himself as he knew what any sort of depression did to a person.

In all honesty, Connor was... disappointed somewhat that Lester wasn't showing his worry. It's not that he wanted him to show his worry, of course not, but maybe he did...

He shook the thoughts out of his head to deal with another time as they were too confusing to think about at work. Most likely, he'd think about it tonight when he was alone, and most likely, he'd deal with the thoughts the only way he knew how: to forget them using pain.

However, they wouldn't leave. A voice whispered to Connor: _No one cares about you. _It made him jump slightly in his chair and the young man looked around to see if anyone else had heard it... apparently not for everyone was still going about their own business. _No one cares,_ it hissed again and Connor felt his breath hitch. Over and over, it repeated the line, drilling it into Connor's head, until finally:

"Shut up! Just shut up!"

Connor opened his eyes and found that he was standing. He also realised that everyone was now staring at him, including Abby. Oh God... She was going to think he was mental or something (which he was, but he daren't admit it).

"Connor? Are... you okay?" Abby said hesitantly, walking over.

Quickly, he put on a smile and said: "Yes, sorry, I'm fine. Just got a little noisy in here." He chuckled but he wasn't in it; inside he was scanning his ex-roommate's face for signs that she knew that he'd heard voices. Luckily, there was only confusion in Abby's blue eyes.

"O-kay," she said, elongating the 'oh'.

"I'm going to go... to the bathroom, yes, now if you'll excuse me, Abby," Connor gave her his cheekiest smile, clenched his fists as his hands were still trembling, and dashed past her towards the ARC's toilets.

He breathed out heavily as he got inside and leant against the white door. Shaking hands ran over his face so he went over to a grotty sink to splash a little bit of freezing water on himself. Suddenly, a loud knock on the door nearly made him jump out of his skin. However, he was even more surprised to find out who the knock belonged to.

"Connor, it's Lester. I saw what happened, could you let me in?" Lester was about to add on a 'please', but that wasn't really his style, especially around his employees. The dark haired man shook his head. Feeling the silence, Lester spoke again, softer this time: "I just want to talk, nothing to do with dinosaurs or future predators, nothing scary."

"I think I'd prefer a dinosaur right now," the younger man said quietly, opening the door slowly.

"I can imagine you would actually..." Lester looked at the floor as he stepped in, then stood awkwardly and scuffed his polished shoe on the shiny floor, making it squeak quietly.

"You want to know what happened."

It wasn't a question, Connor just assumed that as people are naturally curious, Lester would be too.

Connor hated it. Connor hated that people were naturally inquisitive and had to know everything about everybody else before anybody else knew. To him, it was a humans fatal flaw. Fair enough, humans can question life, death, science, religion, be curious about anything... except other humans. People's business is their own, Connor thought, and unless someone gets told directly about something because that person wants another know or deserves to know, just leave it alone.

"I know you shouted at something that wasn't there, and I watched as you talked to Abby. You were shaking, much like you are now." Lester gestured to Connor's balled fists. "You know, I searched psychotic depression the other day... Is this the beginning of an episode?"

Connor sighed deeply and looked at Lester, half wishing he'd leave it alone and half wishing he could spill out his heart and tell him everything without feeling guilty or mad as a hatter.

"I think it is. Yes. My episodes... they usually last a few weeks, but build up until I go completely crazy which only lasts for at most, a day, depending on who's there with me to help."

Without wanting to offend, Lester attempted to ask what 'completely crazy' meant. He was cut off just as he opened his mouth, however, as if Connor knew what he was about to say.

"Completely crazy is not knowing what's real and what's not. It's not being able to hear and sometimes see anything that isn't a hallucination. Even if it's real sometimes I still think my mind's playing tricks on me," Connor laughed, but it was void of all emotion.

"I'm sorry."

Dark eyes snapped upwards to meet Lester's emerald ones.

"I'm sorry you have to go through this. I'm here for you, remember, always. When... 'completely crazy' hits, I'll be there." Lester expanded, seeing Connor's confused look.

Connor just wished it would be someplace where he wouldn't have to face anyone other than Lester. He could feel it brewing inside him like a volcano ready to erupt, more vicious than any before...


End file.
